These could be 2013 Calendar Contenders!

Which one is your favorite?

Goats in the News

This article, called to my attention by fellow humor blogger Shari of Dusty Earth Mother,  appeared just after Christmas in The Huffington Post entitled “Goat Flees Nativity Scene, Still on the Lam“. I know, it’s a groaner.

The story originated out of the Fergus Falls Journal in Minnesota who initiated a “Goat Watch” on their site and offered various rewards for finding Curly the Nativity Goat. The newspaper posted ongoing updates as to sightings and continued to up the ante. One story reported a day where 20 people failed to nab him.

Image Credit: Fergus Falls Journal

On Tuesday, January 10, Curly was spotted:

About 10:15 p.m. Tuesday, Jan. 11, Curly, who has eluded capture since getting off her leash Christmas Eve at Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Fergus Falls, was spotted near the VFW and grain elevator, according to eyewitness Ryan Schonhardt

Then, one day last week, Curly was found. The finders got $300 in rewards, which they donated to a charity to purchase six goats to feed hungry families in Africa.

Image Source: Fergus Falls Journal

Awesome.

R Street used to have a bunch of historic stuff, like back in the 1800s or something, including a railroad track that ran down it. Sometime during the 21st century, R Street went out and bought itself a $13 million renovation. And a new name: Historic R Street Corridor. Let’s go see its new crib.

They kept the old tracks and erected an arch over 10th and R Streets.

Sacramento, home of the 32 mile-long American River Bike Trail, promotes bike-friendliness, as well as public arty…ness. Hence some new bike racks on R Street created by local artists.

So, there I was, walking down R Street, realizing there’s actually a theme to all this…

…and it suddenly reminds me of High Line Park in Manhattan. And I wonder if that’s a little bit of what they’re going for.

And then…I swear I’m not making this up… I stumble on this business:

It was a bit spooky.

A lot of the art is either a bike rack that’s railroad-themed, or has something to do with the business it flanks. Like this dragon in front of this restaurant. (Happy Lunar New Year of the Dragon, by the way).

This is the one in front of The Studio Theatre.

And this is in front of the coincidentally named Hi Line Electric Company.

And then there’s this statue in front of the Fox & Goose pub:

I’m waiting for someone to treat it too like a bike rack and strangle the poor goose’s legs or something.

I heard someone say that the artist claimed that it wasn’t intended to match the restaurant’s theme, that it was a total coincidence, but that made my head explode, so I try not to think about it.

Although…maybe he’s right. And maybe it’s not a fox at all because am I the only one who thought, hey that looks more like a pig?

Also? Doesn’t this pigfox look like he’s sniffing the goose’s butt?

I know. I’m twelve.

I took this picture because I like the old rustic building. I just hope they keep it that way.

To me, it’s public art and with all the holes, it’s also a bike rack.

I got this rockin’ Commemorative Key Chain at the R Street Arch Lighting Ceremony that I’m keeping at a safe distance so you can’t steal it:

Well, I hope you enjoyed your little tour of what they’re calling Phase 1 of the new R Street Corridor. Tune in next week when I reveal the name of the street that lies between 7th and 9th. Maybe I’ll lead up to it with a guessing contest or something.

Just a quick update to let you know that my book, Sticky Readers, is now available on the Nook and iBook and Kobo and God knows what else in ebook formats (in addition to the already available Kindle).

Also? I Am an Auteur!

That’s right – Sticky Readers has spread across the globe. In France, I am an auteur:

And in Japan I’m a ペーパーバック. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to be a ペーパーバック.

For a complete list of formats and where to buy Sticky Readers, go to the Where to Buy page on the Sticky Readers website.

Also? Karen of The Menopause Diaries recently wrote a fantabulous review of Sticky Readers called Analysis Paralysis. Thank you, Karen!

Also? You can read a recent Sticky Readers review by Bryan of Unfinished Person called How to Sink Readers on Your Blog Like a Hole In One . Thank you, Bryan!

Anyway, yesterday’s storm break (the one that followed nearly five inches of rain in certain parts of the foothills) provided a bright and sunny day for this weekend’s Inaugural Sacramento Baconfest of 2012.

Outside the Magpie Cafe on R Street. And a bike rack.

Ever since I first got word about the porky event, I shouted and touted and proclaimed I was going to the late breakfast on Saturday at Magpie Cafe, whose menu featured things like bacon frittatas, bacon breakfast sandwiches, two different BLTs (one of which featured fried green tomatoes), and bacon bread pudding!

Other places like Luigi’s served Bacon Pizza. Pangaea Cafe had beer with bacon in the glass. Local celebrities would judge bacon-inspired meals created by local chefs at Mulvaney’s.

People across the country were talking about the Sacramento Baconfest, even Mr. Baconpants in Pennsylvannia!

Oh, it was going to be a day, my little nanny goats. And I was going to take pictures, and you were going to see all the bacon nomnoms and Sacramento was going to gleefully glisten with grease.

Magpie Cafe’s event started at 7:30am and was scheduled to go until “the food ran out”. We plopped ourselves down at a table there at 1:30pm (because we read somewhere that breakfast was served until 3pm). They updated their menu throughout the morning as they began to “run out”, so that by the time we grabbed one, it looked like this:

*sad trombone*

The frittatas were nowhere to be found. The Bacon Bread Pudding had completely fallen off. You couldn’t get a side of bacon to save your life.

As we wiped the tears from our eyes, we walked around the corner to another restaurant that was not participating in Baconfest (and therefore had bacon) and ordered bacon cheeseburgers.

No crossed-out bacon here.

It was okay, I guess. But it wasn’t a Baconfest bacony bacon-filled, bacon-encrusted, bacon-stuffed thing.

The Bacon Cheeseburger from Cafe Bernardo

You know, the same thing happened when I went to the first SactoMoFo Food Truck Festival. They ran out of food and those trucks that kept going had 2 hour-long lines, so I didn’t get anything there either.

I hope people are paying attention to what happens when you throw the right kind of food at Sacramento. Clear clamoring occurs here and it screams opportunity. We are obviously pigs and nothing says “OINK” like a Baconfest.

If the world doesn’t end in December, and they have it again in 2013, I’ll set my alarm clock.

So my little nanny goats, I am sorry to say that this year, my Baconfest tour was a lot like my friend’s parking meter when we got back to her car:

FAIL

Born Jan 10, these babies are one day old in this picture.

Yeah, that’s right. You must park backwards. Er, excuse me… “back-in only angled parking”.

Who ever heard of such a thing?

Nevertheless, I followed the stupid sign. Although, you could totally miss it. Do you see the sign in this picture?

Nobody’s going to see the sign and even though the parking spots are angled for you to back in instead of swinging around to pull in forward, and even though a few people get it, many people don’t.

All these people above (except me on the very left) are totally breaking the law. In fact, I submit that anybody parking there the correct way are only doing so because they learned the law via parking ticket.

There must be some reason for marking the street in this manner and when I say “street”, I mean one single street for one single block in all of “The Grid” that makes up 1st thru 29th Streets between A to W Streets in downtown/midtown Sacramento. I don’t see this silly business happening anywhere else in town except for this one block.

This block (I want to say it’s on 28th between R and S, you know, over by Temple Coffee and Revolution Wines but don’t hold me to that) is either a test market for what will eventually spread throughout the city, becoming the new WTF Freaky Parking Law, because Sacramento is desperate to become the national leader in something so why not this… or, it’s a conspiracy to raise funds for the city because as you can see, half the people who park there do so illegally and at that rate, Sacramento can finally buy that fur coat its always wanted.

Oh sure, you could say it’s a safety thing, but who cares about safety, really?

When I pulled in backwards and got finished taking those pictures, I saw the parking enforcement scooter baby car putt-putt thingie coming around the corner getting ready to swoop in like a vulture with his Barney Fife swagger and the parking ticket voucher pad in his holster.

I walked into Revolution Wines where our mostly-monthly writer’s social event (aka Writers Who Wine) occurs and I approached a friend of mine:

“Say,” I said, even though nobody talks like that in real life, “is that little red car yours?”

She looked me in the eye as if I were psychic and told her something her late great great grandfather said that only she and he would know. “…yes?…,” she warily replied.

I explained about the new WTF Freaky Parking Law for that one block and how Barney Fife had already begun unholstering his parking ticket voucher pad and don’t bother running out there you’re paying for that spot now you may as well keep it there.

The previous month, Barney Fife was at it as well and it prompted a Facebook post from one of us about getting a ticket, so the next month, I had my camera at the ready. I knew I had to tell you guys about it and ask you if your town has such a thing as backwards parking, er, back-in only angled parking (with the step-by-step instructions on the sign and everything) and if they do, do they have it for .000001% of your city as well?

Later that evening when I left, sure enough, Barney Fife had left behind a gift for all the outlaws like a cat leaves a barely alive grasshopper in one’s bedroom for one to step in when one crawls sleepily out of one’s bed.

They must have smelled it from Whirlpool Headquarters because they sent me a new filter, practically forcing it on me, begging me to do my fridgerly duty and replace the filter.

Now, before you start gagging at the thought of my not replacing the filter for six years, you might want to think about the guy who lived here before us who may also have not changed the filter another six years before that? Ha! That’ll teach you to jump to conclusions.

Why did I never change the filter before? Because it never occurred to me before. Which is silly because I’ve replaced it in other refrigerators. But this one is different.

You see, I began to grow fond of my filter. We became fast friends. I’d open the door and stare adoringly into the shelves of moldy leftovers and fuzzy milk and ponder what to have for lunch and Henry would gurgle to me (I’d named him Henry right away because he sounded like a Henry). I thought he was recommending ice for my drink or water to quench my thirst.

Instead, I now realize that all along, Henry was saying, “If you love me, let me go.”

Evidently, he was also saying, “I can’t go on like this”, and “What are you trying to do to me” and “You should have died by now from my toxic waste”…things like that.

Okay, maybe that’s not quite right, and ordinarily, I’d make up some excuse like how it’s similar to a cat pee stain on the carpet: after a while it just starts to blend into the scenery and you don’t notice it any more. Or you grow to love it and it becomes another member of the family.

But in this case, my excuse is that I had no reminder mechanism. In my previous relationships (with water filters) I was used to opening the door and SEEING the thing, which in turn would remind me to CHANGE the thing. My Henry, however, wasn’t much of a people person.

No, Henry was hidden away in a secret compartment. Downstairs. In the fridge dungeon.

I wasn’t thinking outside the ice box.

But then Whirlpool, in a hostile move, sent me a water filter…

and wouldn’t you know, it came with directions pointing out the fact that it was located in the fridge dungeon. Sixty seconds later my new filter was installed.

And now I will remember to replace it next time because they make you put the date inside the refrigerator (where, I might remind you, the FILTERS used to be kept, thereby validating my earlier excuse that by SEEING it, you will CHANGE it).

You don’t want to see what came out of old Henry, though. Or maybe you do.. Maybe you’re a voyeuristic sicko and I have no shame.

Ewwwwwwww...

So now I’m drinking non-toxic water again and coincidentally or not, the migraines have disappeared and I’m not that grey-ish yellow corpsey color any more.

We’re also using ice cubes again because before I found out Henry needed changing I just thought he was being a jerk in the freezer:

So, hyperbolically speaking, Whirlpool saved my life.

And unless you want a nasty letter from your appliance manufacturer, I highly suggest changing your water filter on time. Like maybe you should schedule it for the same day you replace your smoke detector batteries.

Wait, when was the last time you changed your smoke detector batteries?

Look what I got from my brother:

This billy goat in a thong is named Griswald and his first item of business as a self-proclaimed psychic is to announce his predictions for 2012. You know, kinda like that octopus (what was his name?) who picks the winner of the Super Bowl or The Olympics or whatever, but without the tentacles. (That’s TENTACLES – slow down, you read too fast.)

2012 Prediction #1:

A goat-themed reality show will premiere in 2012 entitled Extreme Caprines: The Good, the Baaad, and the Fugly. Each week, ten goats will compete in a series of tests designed to separate the bleat from the chaff. The audience will vote for best talent, best swimsuit and best lawn mowing. The final episode will culminate in a “Bleat Off” of all the current season’s winners. The goat deemed Biggest Bleater will receive the coveted Golden Udder, a year’s supply of Purina Goat Chow and his or her very own, brand new, super exciting, climate controlled yurt. The winner of Episode 7 will make tabloid history with her scandalous habits of doping, taping, and shoving her hoof down her throat before each runway contest.

2012 Prediction #2:

A surprise Independent Party candidate will sneak from behind at the last minute and win the 2012 U.S. Presidential election. And he will be a goat named Stewart. His administration will consist of his old cronies as well as deep-pocket campaign contributors bent on destroying democracy as we know it. The white house pet will be an exotic parrot named Cracker Carl.

2012 Prediction #3:

A famous mad scientist’s goat cloning experiment will go awry resulting in the production of over 8 billion goats, surpassing the number of humans on the planet. They will harness and master the powers of human speech, social media and internet marketing. In other words, goats will take over the world.

Does Griswald sound a little ambitious to you?

Do you have any predictions for 2012?

But that’s not why I called you here today.

A few weeks ago I’m sitting at a red light in a suburb north of Los Angeles where John Denver and I are singing the theme song from Leave It To Beaver when I spy a pink Corvette turning into a shopping center parking lot right in front of me. Since I was going over there as well to get all Starbucked up for my 400 mile drive north to Sacramento, I thought I might get to shoot a picture to show my husband, as he is kind of into Corvettes. I thought, I wonder if he’s ever seen a pink one!

The light turns green and I shoot across the street into the parking lot to follow the little pink Corvette. When I catch up to it, it’s already parked, so I pull into a nearby spot and grab my camera. As I approach the little pink Corvette, this little pink fluffy blonde person steps out of the car. I mean, holy feather boas, Batman, she’s full-on bedecked in all things pink and petite and why she isn’t also carrying a little pink poodle, I do not know, but now I’m thinking, Oh, I HAVE to get a picture of her too!

“Excuse me,” I say. I muster up much lollipop goodness before launching in to my plea.

“I just love your outfit,” I say, “and I love your car. May I take a picture of you?”

I know. I have to work on that whole thing, but I had to think fast. I wasn’t expecting to run into anyone, let alone suddenly realize that I wanted to take a photo of her too.

She pulls on this cropped furry powder blue blazer with purple polka dots over her incredibly ample bosom, looks up at me through heavily mascara-ed eyes and says, “Do you know who I am?”

Did I? I didn’t know. Was I supposed to? I used to live in Los Angeles. Was she famous? I vaguely recalled driving through the streets of L.A. in the 90s down maybe La Brea Avenue toward Hollywood and seeing a billboard of a pinkly decorated broad all sultry like a porn queen and all it said was: Angelyne.

Maybe you’ve seen it?

Image Source: SportieLAB Blog.com

So, hoping I wasn’t insulting her I say, “You’re not Angelyne, are you?”

I know, total class, right?

Anyway, I’m jumping up and down inside because she said yes, she was indeed Angelyne.

Do you know who she is?

I don’t either, but apparently she was in that movie Earth Girls Are Easy and was one of the first famous-for-being-famous people.

She was the Kim Kardashian of last century.

So of course now I really have to get a picture of her, only what she said next kind of befuddled me.

“You have to buy a T-Shirt if you want a picture.”

Here is what I should have said:

“Bitch, please. Do you know who I am? I am Nanny Goats in Panties. Number 1 on the KCRA A-List. CBS Sacramento’s Most Valuable Blogger. I was in the December issue of Inside Arden. I am in the upcoming January issue of Sacramento Magazine. In other words. My blog rocks and YOU should be paying ME to appear in it. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you could use the publicity.”

That’s what I should have said.

Instead, I meekly squeak, “Um, how much are they?”

“Twenty dollars,” she proclaims, and immediately opens the hatch of her little pink Corvette to reveal Angelyne’s Pink Fluffy Merchandise Extravaganza Centre and Publicity Whore Emporium.

She shows me some old magazine she used to publish called, wait for it….. Hot P!nk. She says I could buy that. Or I could buy these stickers. I select a T-Shirt, give her the stupid $20, and start searching for a parking lot photographer.

An approachable-looking woman parks nearby and I walk over and ask her if she’ll take a quick picture of me and that little pink thing over there and when I turn to see who I’m pointing at, Angelyne has already accosted some poor male and saying God knows what to him, but he appears to be agreeing to be a photographer as well. So I apologize for disturbing my choice of picture takers and the little pink thing and I proceed to pose on her car.

I ask her to move the magazine from in front of her face because I think it’s blocking her boobage because I’m thinking of YOU guys and I know you just have to see these things and she says she has to pose this way so I say okay whatever and the guy takes a picture and I ask him to take another one.

She starts to whine about the sun and acts like it’s a royal pain in her pink patootie to have to stand there any longer for a second picture, but I’m sorry. Since she has taken my money, I am going to ensure that I get a picture of this chick.

The guy holding my camera says, “Okay, that’s it.”

“You’ll have to give me another two dollars and buy a sticker or something,” said Angelyne.

“You want more money out of me?” I ask.

“Of course.”

“Well I don’t have it.”

So we negotiate, although I don’t know why because I’ve already taken the pictures and told her I have no more money, so she decides that I can send her the money to her fan club address and here’s her card.

I watch her walk into the grocery store in her little pink blazer and miniskirt, which, on a Sunday morning in a suburb looks more like a Walk of Shame getup. Then I whip out my camera again and take another picture of her car.

Later, a hundred feet away at Starbucks, I run into our photographer who tells me that he had already taken two pictures before I asked him to take a second one and I feel some sort of satisfaction that I got way more pictures than I paid for. If my three semesters of calculus serves me, I believe $20 for 5 pictures, means I paid….uh, I paid… well, less than $20 a piece for them anyway.

And the Winner Is…

In case you were wondering who won the Nanny Goats in Panties hoodie in last week’s giveaway by The Print Center, it was Lulu Kellogg who has a blog called Lulu Kellogg (Coastal Sisters News).

And in case you were wondering who won the Trevor Project Necklace in the giveaway by Jewelry by North, it was Jen Kennedy of Sacramento.

Congrats to the winners!

The next thing you know, it’s sitting in my mailbox. Thanks, Sue! I think I’ll name him (her?) Thredmeister.

Meanwhile, have you ever heard of the blog called Goat Rodeo? One of their latest items shows the colored goats of Kabul.

Meanwhile, RuEtta sent me a picture of goat ball bells. I’m not sure if that’s how they wear them or if that’s what they’re made of. Either way: Yikes!

OK, new research indicates  that it’s what it’s made of. I stand by my Yikes!

Eat spaghetti while wearing this hoodie at your own risk!

Bet you don’t know what The Print Center does.

That’s right, they print things! What are you, psychic?

You can get all sorts of bloggy promo stuff like pens, mugs, business cards, signs, T-shirts, and of course, hoodies! And while their clientele is all over the place, Sacramentans might take note that the company is actually located here in Sacramento.

Speaking of hoodies, did I mention we’re giving one away this week? Have I said the word “hoodies” enough to where it doesn’t sound like a word to you any more, either?

I’m afraid this giveaway is limited to those living in the U.S. (sorry, Zimbabwe!), and there are two ways to enter. And if you enter both times, make sure you leave 2 separate comments.

How to Enter:

1. Leave a comment.

2. Tweet this giveaway. Be sure to include @sacprintcenter and @nannygoats and the link to this post. Please include the Twitter status URL in a separate comment. If you’re lazy like me, feel free to cut and paste the following into your Twitter:

If you’re not sure how to get the Twitter status URL, see my tutorial on that.

The deadline for this giveaway is midnight, Monday, December 19, 2011. Winner will be chosen by random drawing.

Good Luck!!!!

Hey buddy, how’s it going? Listen, I don’t pretend to know why you do the things you do and why you don’t do the things you don’t do, but I have a favor to ask. It’s about your Macaroni and Cheese, or as the Canadians call it, Kraft Dinner.

First let me say that your macaroni and cheese rocks. And you are indeed the cheesiest. And I’m not talking about that crappy stuff in a box with the gooey liquid cheese sauce. That stuff tastes too much like real macaroni and cheese, you know the stuff that’s made from scratch. And who in their right mind makes macaroni and cheese from scratch? Amish people, that’s who.

No, I’m talking about your turbo processed cheese-infused orangy-flavored powder. That is the stuff that rocks. You have shown me that real cheese isn’t cheesy enough.

The problem is your pasta. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Mind you, I loaded up the last time it was on sale.

But then my husband went and discovered that he’s allergic to wheat.

So, dear Kraft, I’m here to ask you to make a gluten free macaroni and cheese.

Why you? Because of that rockin’ cheese-flavored powder of yours.

I went to the grocery store the other day and noticed that you are fully capable of expanding on your basic recipe. I would think that if you can make Organic or Veggie versions, you could make a gluten free version. A Mac n Cheese 2.0, if you will.

I would also think that if you could make an Extreme Cheese Explosion version, you could make a gluten free version.

I mean, we’re just talking about using rice or non-wheat pasta. You don’t need to change the cheese. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t change the cheese! You don’t need to make it extreme and you don’t need to blow it up. Leave the cheese part alone. Just change the pasta part.

If you can make a “Man of Action” version or a “Do Bee Doo Bee Doo Bah” version, why not help those with gluten sensitivity and make a non-wheat version?

Please, I’m begging you, think outside the box and offer a gluten free version. C’mon. Everybody’s doing it and I promise you, there is a market for it. Millions of people are allergic to wheat and gluten. Millions, I say! As a matter of fact, Wheat is one of the Top 8 allergens.

Or, you know what would be really Kraft-y? Sell us the freakin’ powder. If you don’t want to make gluten-free pasta, we’ll figure that part out ourselves! Just give us the powder, man! We’re jonesing for the orange powder!

I’m so desperate for your processed cheese-flavored powder over others, that I’ve resorted to tearing open all my Kraft boxes…

saving the cheese packets and tossing the macaroni…

and then using gluten free macaroni.

How dare you make me throw away perfectly good food! Just who do you think you are? Don’t you realize there are people starving everywhere?

Frankly, I don’t know how you sleep at night, knowing that stuff like this is going on, that people are just tossing their pasta in the trash.

If you sold your manna cheese-flavored pasta dust (and I give you permission to actually call it that – Kraft’s Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust), if you sold that stuff by the pound, oh, what joy that would bring to the masses. Even those not restricted by gluten-free diets would OD on your powdery goodness.

So how about this: if you do not start selling your Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust by itself or selling a gluten-free version of the Macaroni and Cheese, I will be forced to believe that there is a conspiracy between you and the Wheat Council, or that you are in bed with the Wheat King who is now a permanent fixture in your list of ingredients. He and his team of wheat lobbyists will never leave, having managed to firmly establish themselves as “too big to bail”.

However, I am not bailing any time soon, so quit making me throw away perfectly good food and give us your Manna Cheese-Flavored Pasta Dust already!

Look, I even made you a new box that I will let you use:

Yours in Cheesy Dusty Gooodness,

Margaret

P.S. After the gluten-free thing, you think you can do something about the packaging? Thanks.

UPDATE (12/13/2011):

Nicky and Mike write for a blog called We Work for Cheese. Nicky (or Nick as she lets me get away with calling her) was so moved (or perhaps “offended” is a better word) that she wrote a rebuttal, or an open letter to my open letter. You can read it here.

Hot Off The Presses…

If a humorous collection of essays is up your alley, fellow blogger Jayne Martin (of injaynesworld), has recently published a book called Suitable for Giving: A Collection of Wit with a Side of Wry. She and comedienne Elaine Boozler have teamed up so that for every book sold, Jayne will donate a portion to Boozler’s animal rescue organization called Tails of Joy. Suitable for Giving is currently available on Amazon, CreateSpace and Smashwords.

That’s when I spied the large December edition stack of free monthly neighborhood newspapers called Inside Arden.

Yep. I added an arrow in case you couldn't tell a "large stack" from a "small" stack.

Stupid cell phone. Here’s what the cover is supposed to look like:

The last few days, I couldn’t find one to save my life, and all residents are supposed to get a copy in the mail but for whatever reason lately they’ve been sending us their “Inside East Sacramento” version. I think it’s because we live in a sort of No Man’s Land neighborhood that nobody claims and everyone forgets about. We get passed back and forth like a box of Life cereal:

Kid #1: You try it.

Kid #2: I’m not gonna try it, YOU try it.

Kid #1: Let’s get Mikey!

Kid #2: He won’t like it. He hates everything.

Normally, I don’t have a cow about this particular periodical’s publication schedule, only this time, I was in it.

That’s right. An article about me, me, me. And I couldn’t get my hands on a copy. But now, here it was. Two tall stacks of them on the coffee tables in front of me.

And, nobody in that waiting room was reading it!

Somebody should have been thumbing through, stumbling onto page 43, then looking up at me as I humbly busied myself with my laptop, presumably being my awesome blogging self. Yeah, some dude should have been double-taking between the picture in the paper and me, wide-eyed, like I was Dorothy Parker, humor legend, sitting right there, just across from him, being all humble and nonchalant, you know like when you spot a celebrity in public and they don’t make eye contact with anyone. I would just be sitting there in the Lexus dealership waiting area, trying to blend in with the little people, while everyone around me sat with Inside Arden in their hands, open to the article about me, me, me, and wondering, “Is it? Is that–? Is she–?”, squirming, wondering if they should say something.

And instead, I’m the one sitting there squirming, wondering if I should say something. I fought the urge to proclaim, “Hey guess what! I’m in this paper! Here! Everyone take a copy and turn to page 43! That’s me!”

But that would be shameless and stupid and a lot of other non-humble adjectives. So I sat and stewed instead.

But then I thought: what if I just told one person? One nice person here. Would that be so bad?

I scanned the area and contemplated potential nice people. Earlier, one girl asked me if I was using WiFi. I sat there all humble-like and simply said “yes”.

I could have been all: “Why yes, as a matter of fact, I AM using WiFi. I’m using it because I’m a BLOGGER. As another matter of fact, there’s an article about ME being a BLOGGER right here in this paper. It also mentions my 2012 Goat Calendar which is only $12.99!”

I could have said that because on the inside, I am nine years old and I have the ego of a self-centered nine-year-old attention-starved brat.

Anyway, next to this girl was a woman who seemed very friendly because while she didn’t really say much, she sort of murmured or smiled or something that made her seem very agreeable. Like she’d totally buy your stupid marching band fund-raising useless crap because she’s your neighbor and she likes to support the local kids.

She was sitting by herself now, the other girl had gone, so I looked up at her and may have said something and may have not said something, I don’t really remember, but she smiled or laughed or something and before I could stop myself, I jumped up, grabbed a paper off the coffee table, plopped down next to her, began thumbing through the paper and on a Modesty Scale reading of about 1.2, I said, “I have to tell SOMEBODY…I’m on page 43″, like she was my mom and I was looking for validation and you know what?

She totally got on that bus and oohed and ahhed and said, “Wow, I’m sitting next to a celebrity”, just loud enough for others to hear, so I could act all embarrassed. Even though I was the idiot who brought it up. I fell immediately in love with her. Whoever she was.

Well, we got to talking and it turns out, she was the art teacher at my junior high school on the other side of town! And while I personally did not take her art class (I was in band, remember?) I did remember her and I’ll bet some of you lot who went to James Rutter Junior High (holla!) remember Sharon Gergen. Actually, she was Gergen back when I went there last century. Some of you other former Roadrunners may have known her as Sharon Whitton.

So we talked about what people always talk about thirty some-odd years later: who’s still alive and who’s dead and who lives right down the street from me now, even though I don’t live in the old ‘hood anymore.

I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my husband because he also attended “Gutter” Junior High. Not only did he remember her, he took her art classes and she was the first teacher to encourage him with his talent. She insisted he enter some city art contest and he won.

But enough about those two, we were talking about me, me, me. You’re probably feeling completely alienated and forlorn because you don’t live in Sacramento and can’t pick up your copy of Inside Arden at the local whatever, but fret not my little nanny goats. You too, can pick up your free copy right on their website.

Did I mention I’m on page 43?

 Epilogue

Those of you on tenterhooks about my tire… it was fine. No new tires required. Also? I walked out of there with a complimentary car wash. So, not only did that day come from behind, it lapped everybody and won.

Since I’m the one who most resembles that of a warm-bodied breathing human, it was my job to crawl out of the house to get drugs. Specifically, our decongestant of choice: Sudafed.

I hiked all the way to the Back 40 of Rite-Aid, a drug store which oddly reserves a small corner for actual drugs, and grabbed the little high security card with the picture of the Sudafed on it and schlepped 12 miles back to the front of the store where I stood in line in a clouded haze, trying very hard not to cough and make everyone around me recoil in resentment for standing anywhere near them, infecting them with my germs that look like those little guys from the Mucinex commercial.

Only to be told by the front cashier that I had to take it to the pharmacy. Located 97 miles away at the back of the store.

After being ID-ed, scanned, breathalyzed, frisked, strip searched, anally probed and interrogated under a single hot light bulb that dangled hypnotically from the ceiling in their “back room”, I was allowed to purchase 10 tablets of Sudafed.

10 tablets.

But not before getting groped by some random customer who claimed that he was a TSA agent whose closest resemblance to such a person was his Toxic Shockers of America baseball hat.

And what should we, as Americans, do about this travesty of self-medication? Why, sue the Feds, of course.

Get it? Sue da Feds? Sudafed? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, since the both of us are having this snork fest together and I was only able to get 10 tablets, you know what that means. That’s right, I’ll have to hide them in my stash alongside the porno magazines and kitty litter samples. And then when I run out, I’ll have to send him to the store for more because I’m probably on some Patriot Act watch list now where you’re not allowed to buy more than 1 box per CDC-approved flu season.

Also? I’m thinking why don’t I just do a reversal of what the meth lab guys do? I’ll just buy crystal meth off some local street corner. It’s quicker, cheaper and no lines. Some of them even have drive-thru service. And the last thing they want to see is your ID.

Then I’ll simply go home and make my own Sudafed tablets. And forget those silly little 24 hour baby pills. Mine will rock all the way through the week, yo.

By the way, does anybody know where I can get red shellac for the coating and those cute little pill packaging kits?

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway of a Trevor Project necklace of handmade silver which honors the youth who have taken their lives due to hate, ignorance and intolerance. There are 3 different ways to enter and you have until midnight on Monday, Nov 28.

(Thanks RuEtta & Melody!)

And speaking of surfing goats, the Surfing Goat Dairy on Maui is selling goat-themed gift baskets. Here’s one of them:

This one includes: Three books-”The Goat of Many Colors,” “The Grumpy Goat” (with stickers), and “Three Billy Goats Gruff” (with lift the flaps), Goat Chopsticks, Small Fuzzy Goat Figure, Smurf Goat Figure, Playmobil Set, and a Large Goat Stuffed Animal (makes goat noise when squeezed). It comes in a lauhala basket, with straw, wrapped in cellophane and a ribbon with a bow.

They have several different kinds of these baskets. You can inquire further via email to info@surfinggoatdairy.com.

If you “surf” their site, you stumble across other goodies, like their gourmet goat cheese truffles:

Mmmmmm, goat cheese truffles...

Looking for More Christmas Gift Ideas?

Nothing says “I Love You” like the gift of knowing what the heck day it is. Twelve months of NGIP fan-contributed photos bedeck this Goat Calendar for 2012. It’s only $12.99 in the US which includes shipping – wow! Order yours today.

P.S. Calendars shipped internationally are only $14.99.

Don’t forget to enter my giveaway of a Trevor Project necklace of handmade silver which honors the youth who have taken their lives due to hate, ignorance and intolerance. There are 3 different ways to enter and you have until midnight on Monday, Nov 28.

OMG – me too!

But anyway, I am totally pee-my-pants excited to show off my new custom-made Nanny Goats in Panties Sterling Silver necklace.

I know!

My original idea was to have a simple Twitter handle necklace. But since North (a local silver jewelry designer) can make just about anything, I thought “Hey, what about a goat?” And what about my blog name?

And the next thing you know, I’ve got this rockin’ necklace adorning my neck.

They use the old-school process of lost wax casting, so each piece is hand-made, unique, and a piece of art. Like little mini sculptures.

North has her own own designs displayed on their site, or she can custom design something for you.

 It Gets Better…

Jewelry by North is letting me give away one of their Trevor Project necklaces – woo hoo!

This necklace was created to honor the youth who have taken their lives due to hate, ignorance and intolerance. The front side reads, “YOU have the RIGHT to be YOURSELF” The reverse side says, “DON’T GIVE UP”.

They are bronze castings and plated in platinum… They sell for $25.00, but I get to give one away for free!

If you’re thinking Christmas gift, or Valentine’s Day gift, or ‘Hey – I want a custom made Twitter handle necklace’ (sans the goat, of course), give ‘em a visit and tell ‘em Nanny Goats in Panties sent ya!

So, you are probably dying to know how to enter the Giveaway already, right? Okay, don’t get your panties in a bundle.

How To Enter the Jewelry by North Trevor Project Necklace Giveaway.

There are 3 ways to enter (and the necklace can only be shipped to anywhere in the U.S.).

1. Leave a comment here saying you would like to win the Trevor Project Necklace. If you don’t mention “Trevor Project” somewhere in your comment, I will assume you are just leaving a comment for little ol’ me to tell me how fabulous my new necklace is and how you wish you had one.

2. “Like” Jewelry by North on Facebook by going to their Facebook page and clicking on the Like button. Then leave a separate and additional comment here saying you did so.

3. Tweet this giveaway. Make sure you have a link to this post and mention @nannygoats as well as @jewelrybynorth. If you need a quick-and-dirty cut-and-paste thingy, you can just copy this:

Holy handmade silver necklaces, Batman! That’s what @nannygoats & @jewelrybynorth are giving away this week. http://is.gd/CvujKQ

Make sure you come back here and leave an additional and separate comment (including the specific Tweet URL [aka Tweet status]). Not sure how to do that? Read my tutorial.

 
Got that? So if you want 3 entries, you need to leave 3 separate comments. Cuz each one gets a separate number attached to it for the drawing.

A random drawing will held among all valid entries at midnight on Monday, Nov 28, 2011.

Good Luck!

Meanwhile, why not check out Jewelry by North’s website and do some Christmas shopping?

I know you’re already jealous because Hey! Free food with Nanny Goats in Panties! Woo hoo! and also because I got to eat and hang out with several bloggers like Kim Tracy Prince and Florinda Vasquez and Suebob Davis and Jessica Bern and Lexi Rohner.

If you’re in the Los Angeles area, you may have already heard of or even dined at Buddha’s Belly in Santa Monica or West Hollywood. But did you know they just opened a new location a few miles north in Thousand Oaks?

And by now you’re probably saying “Good God man, just tell us about the food already!”

OK, Jeez – you don’t have to be so hostile.

First of all, let me just start out by saying that you absolutely positively MUST start with the Shao Bing appetizer: little mini-sandwiches with chicken and steak.

The Shao Bing

Unless you’re deathly allergic to cilantro, in which case you absolutely positively MUST NOT start with the Shao Bing appetizer, because it will kill you.

And unless you’re deathly allergic to chocolate, you must abso-tively posi-lutely finish with the fondue where you don’t just dip fruit, but cheesecake!

That mug? Is not coffee. It’s a mug-o’-chocolate kept warm with a hidden candle.

You can either daintily dip the strawberries, bananas and pieces of cheesecake into the chocolate, or you can chug the mug like a pig, it’s entirely up to you, really. Just don’t expect me to invite you out to dinner any time soon, is all.

So anyway, I had the Korean beef. Mmmmmmmmm…

I know. I know it’s blurry. It doesn’t say “Blurry Korean Beef” on the menu. I know that. It’s why I’m not a professional food photographer.

I also didn’t go out with blurry people, or drink blurry drinks, but…

If I were a real photographer, you would have seen something like this, a photo of their lettuce wrap app and fancy cocktail:

Photo Source: bbfood.com

but sometimes my photos suck, man.

And the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that you love me in spite of my pictorial flaws.

Anyway, personally, I love Buddha’s Belly and so do many of my friends whom I have met there for one meal or another. I’ve had private birthday parties there. I’ve had celebrity sightings there (at the one in West Hollywood, anyway).

But hey, don’t listen to me, ask these other guys. (Because, to be fair, while this meal was comped, I am also an investor in Buddha’s Belly– but I’ve paid for all my other dozens of meals at this place– and I’m telling you this food rocks, but you should definitely ask someone else who’s been there. Ask Jessica Bern, she’s been to the one in West Hollywood a bunch of times. Or Anna Lefler. Or Suzy Soro)

Also? My fellow bloggers who gathered there the other day wrote some things about Buddha’s Belly:

Get in Buddha’s Belly by Kim Tracy Prince (Agoura Hills Mom).

Food with Friends at Buddha’s Belly  by Florinda (The 3R’s Blog).

Perks by Suebob Davis (Snackish)

I Don’t Cook by Lexi (What a Trip)

* * *

Buddha’s Belly is now located at The Oaks mall in Thousand Oaks right across from The Cheesecake Factory.

Today, I am guest posting on The 3 R’s blog, where I try to be funny with some blogging advice regarding those times when you’re struggling to come up with blog material. Do check it out and leave a comment as to whether you find it the least bit helpful. Florinda is a book review blogger and does she recommend my book, Sticky Readers?

Well if I may quote her from a recent blog post, she says:

Sticky Readers is primarily aimed at bloggers who use personal anecdotes and stories in their blog posts, but I think some of its suggestions can be adapted for the goals of topical bloggers…and that includes book bloggers. It packs a lot of useful advice into its compact 76 pages. It won’t take you long to read, but if you care about improving your blog content, it’s worth every minute you spend on it.

Take THAT, CNN!–who won’t take my calls begging to be on Anderson 360 or Piers Morgan to talk about me and my book.

Florinda spent two separate blog posts picking Sticky Readers apart and reviewing it. It’s like a mini blog tour all on one blog!

• My Guest Post on The 3R’s Blog: Stick Around Reader: There’s Plenty to Write About
• Florinda’s Book Review #1: Stick Around, Reader: What Makes You Stay?
• Florinda’s Book Review #2: Stick Around, Reader: My Favorite (Blogging) Mistakes

And while I have you here, here’s a couple more books by people I know that may make just the right Christmas gift for the reader you know.

The CHICK-tionary by Anna Lefler.- Finally, a bathroom reader for the ladies! By the author of the blog,  Life Just Keeps Getting Weirder. Currently in paperback, but is available for pre-order on Kindle.

There Goes the Galaxy by Jenn Thorson – For all you Sci-Fi/Humor fans out there–I hope she doesn’t hate me for comparing it a little to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. This is a funny and fun romp through outer space and is available in paperback and Kindle. Jenn writes the blog, Of Cabbages and Kings.

(Photo from the Airoso Family, Wilton, CA)

And now…….a goat on a tortoise:

Link to video: http://youtu.be/BCBrHX6LLFY
 
(Thanks, Thomas!)

Looking for Christmas Gift Ideas?

Nothing says “I Love You” like the gift of knowing what the heck day it is. Twelve months of NGIP fan contributed pictures adorn this calendar. It’s only $12.99 in the US which includes shipping – wow! Order yours today.

P.S. Calendars shipped internationally are only $14.99.

Ask and answer your own questions..
If you want to control the questions you are asked, ask them yourself. It will give the impression that you are answering lots of questions and not actually avoiding them. It will also help reduce the amount of “off the cuff” answers required, thereby reducing the amount of slip-uppage. Remember, you’re the important person who called this conference. Shouldn’t you decide what goes into the papers? Who do these journalists think they are anyway?

Talk down to the media.
It’s all in the tone. Remember, you are condescending to speak to these buffoons. You don’t have time for this crap. You have important businessy things to do. Let them know it in your voice. You know how you talk to 5 year-olds, pipsqueaks and morons? That’s what you need to sound like at a press conference. It really gives you an air of authority and puts you above everyone else.

Act all impatient with the questions from the press.
You are sick and tired of all these inane questions over and over again. How many times do you have to answer them? When are these people going to get it through their thick skulls that your actions should never be questioned? You fail to understand why this issue keeps coming up. You should only have to say it once and be done with it already. The next time they ask you if you’ve done something wrong, just say, “What part of ‘NO’ don’t you understand?” or something equally viewed as ironic to most of the country.

Take the Rummy tactic, but add a twist and make it your own.
For example, maybe take “mistakes were made” a step further. Don’t merely distance yourself from the issue at hand by speaking passively about what was done, maybe done by you, maybe not done by you, who’s to say.  Instead, boldly deny all accusations with sweeping blanket statements, like: “I have never….ever…..made a mistake in my life…..period.” It shows confidence and take charge-iness.

And women like that in a man.